Item conjured during a traffic commute in which I helmed the wheel all the way into the city.
Ordinarily, I park and ride.
There is a reason for that.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dear Fellow Drivers:
Each one of us thinks that we are a better driver than the others that surround us on the road. Oh? Did I say “others”? I meant “idiots”. This can only mean one thing: each one of us has the potential to be an idiot on the road. I think, however, that the following list of behavioral modifications, if put into place, would improve not only our driving skills, but will ease the anxiety associated with the daily perilous commute.
You forgot to wave. Why did you forget? Was it because you didn’t have time to put down your cell phone/Big Mac/handgun in time to acknowledge the fact that I just allowed you into my lane – without your blinker fully engaged? My generosity needs validating, and your poor planning needs to be acknowledge through a humbling hand gesture that says “yes, I know that was an asshole move, but thanks for not rear ending me.”
Um, that lane is for two or more passengers. I have to sit here behind this minivan and stare straight ahead at the line of traffic in front of me as I watch buses and cars with two or more passengers in them whiz by me. What makes you think you don’t have to do the same? Is it because you imagine that there are other passengers with you? If that is the case, perhaps a psychiatric consultation should be performed to determine if you should be driving at all. Just a suggestion.
Did you know that you were driving in a merging traffic lane? I’m worried that you don’t understand that you are. You see, when driving in a lane that allows for traffic to merge, one must actually acknowledge that other cars need to get into this lane. This means that you must either slow down or speed up to accommodate these vehicles. I know that it is sometimes easy to get confused while driving with your head firmly lodged up your ass. However, I feel that it is important to point this fact out as you obviously don’t realize the nature of the lane that you are in. Another tip that might help: if you are not enjoying this lane, perhaps moving to another one that doesn’t allow for merging would be your best course of action. (Note to mergers: see above information concerning “the wave”)
Rear bumpers are not for following closely. This one is tough. We are all in such a hurry these days. Sometimes it’s hard not to tailgate while you are walking down the street and dodging other pedestrians. The difference while driving though, is that operating a contraption that weighs hundreds of pounds while moving at the speed of a cheetah can become life threatening the closer you get to the vehicle in front of you. Yes, I know about the “pace car in the fast lane” that thinks he is doing us all a favor by going the exact speed limit. Forget about him. Think about yourself. Did you know that an accident precipitated by a rear end collision is always the fault of the car doing the rear ending? Even if you were rear ending and as a result, hit the guy in front of you? Oh, you did know that. Well, if that is the case then stop tailgating. And as far as pace car man, pass him safely on the right and go on your merry way.
Pace car in the fast lane. You are obviously a safety conscious individual. Thank you for thinking of me and trying to provide me with a gauge to measure my speed by going a mere 55 MPH in the fast lane. The thing is, I didn’t ask for your help. The other thing is, you are going to get yourself killed by a tailgating BMW that is waiting for you to get the elusive clue.
Ordinarily, I park and ride.
There is a reason for that.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dear Fellow Drivers:
Each one of us thinks that we are a better driver than the others that surround us on the road. Oh? Did I say “others”? I meant “idiots”. This can only mean one thing: each one of us has the potential to be an idiot on the road. I think, however, that the following list of behavioral modifications, if put into place, would improve not only our driving skills, but will ease the anxiety associated with the daily perilous commute.
You forgot to wave. Why did you forget? Was it because you didn’t have time to put down your cell phone/Big Mac/handgun in time to acknowledge the fact that I just allowed you into my lane – without your blinker fully engaged? My generosity needs validating, and your poor planning needs to be acknowledge through a humbling hand gesture that says “yes, I know that was an asshole move, but thanks for not rear ending me.”
Um, that lane is for two or more passengers. I have to sit here behind this minivan and stare straight ahead at the line of traffic in front of me as I watch buses and cars with two or more passengers in them whiz by me. What makes you think you don’t have to do the same? Is it because you imagine that there are other passengers with you? If that is the case, perhaps a psychiatric consultation should be performed to determine if you should be driving at all. Just a suggestion.
Did you know that you were driving in a merging traffic lane? I’m worried that you don’t understand that you are. You see, when driving in a lane that allows for traffic to merge, one must actually acknowledge that other cars need to get into this lane. This means that you must either slow down or speed up to accommodate these vehicles. I know that it is sometimes easy to get confused while driving with your head firmly lodged up your ass. However, I feel that it is important to point this fact out as you obviously don’t realize the nature of the lane that you are in. Another tip that might help: if you are not enjoying this lane, perhaps moving to another one that doesn’t allow for merging would be your best course of action. (Note to mergers: see above information concerning “the wave”)
Rear bumpers are not for following closely. This one is tough. We are all in such a hurry these days. Sometimes it’s hard not to tailgate while you are walking down the street and dodging other pedestrians. The difference while driving though, is that operating a contraption that weighs hundreds of pounds while moving at the speed of a cheetah can become life threatening the closer you get to the vehicle in front of you. Yes, I know about the “pace car in the fast lane” that thinks he is doing us all a favor by going the exact speed limit. Forget about him. Think about yourself. Did you know that an accident precipitated by a rear end collision is always the fault of the car doing the rear ending? Even if you were rear ending and as a result, hit the guy in front of you? Oh, you did know that. Well, if that is the case then stop tailgating. And as far as pace car man, pass him safely on the right and go on your merry way.
Pace car in the fast lane. You are obviously a safety conscious individual. Thank you for thinking of me and trying to provide me with a gauge to measure my speed by going a mere 55 MPH in the fast lane. The thing is, I didn’t ask for your help. The other thing is, you are going to get yourself killed by a tailgating BMW that is waiting for you to get the elusive clue.
You have tried to help me without my asking for it, so let me help you:
t h e f a r l e f t l a n e i s f o r f a s t e r t r a f f i c.
I was going to write more, but I think I will just settle in for now on this good start. I don’t want to overwhelm you too much. I just want you to take the time to consider what I have to say. I never said that I was the perfect driver, but I certainly do make a concerted effort not to get myself killed. More importantly, I remind myself each time I take the risk of “getting out there” that driving means taking one’s life into one’s own hands. Unfortunately, one’s life is also taken into the hands of many others as the roadways become more and more congested.
What’s more important? Getting somewhere on time or early – or getting somewhere alive? I’ve already made the choice.
Sincerely,
The Girl Next to You That Lets You in When You Merge, Waves When Given a Chance to Merge, and Drives Down the Middle Most of the Time
What’s more important? Getting somewhere on time or early – or getting somewhere alive? I’ve already made the choice.
Sincerely,
The Girl Next to You That Lets You in When You Merge, Waves When Given a Chance to Merge, and Drives Down the Middle Most of the Time
1 comment:
I would like to add that I'd like to know what happened to the concept of "going around". You know it. Your dad used to do when he missed his turn. "Damnit, I missed the turn. I'll have to go around..." Instead, today, we have the "I'm cutting across 3 lanes of traffic and screwing EVERYONE behind me, even though THEY knew where THEY were going." I miss turns alot. It's because I was distracted by pretty lights or bright girls (perhaps the other way around). Or maybe it was that Big Mac or hand gun. However, if my mistake and my attempt to correct it is going to negatively affect anyone else, all you'll hear is... "Damnit, I missed the turn. I'll have to go around!"
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