On The Verge Of Breathing

Leo. Fighting too hard to hold on to what you already have is a sign that you are not as secure as you could be. Focus on building a more empowering thought process. What’s yours is yours for a reason.

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You ever feel like you are on the verge of turning over a new leaf? Like somethin’ has got to give? I have been turning leaves over frantically for the past year and a half. None of it has been conscious. It just happened. As my life changed for the better, my demeanor and life practices took a hit. So far none of it has proven to be negative.

Now, however, I am at a juncture that is forcing me to make conscious changes to my lifestyle. I am bound by my continuing struggle to stay healthy to explore ways in which I can succeed; ways that I haven’t tried before. The task that beholds the most impact is probably my current need to find spiritualism.

Don’t get me wrong. I have spirit. Yes I do. I have spirit. How ‘bout you?

What I don’t have and will fail to ever understand is the connection between spirituality and judgmental behavior. Seems to me that my understanding of spiritualism is different from, say, that of the guy who feels that it is necessary to condemn the practice of homosexuality from his church’s pulpit. Also different, probably, than the guy that feels it necessary to drive by someone and either a) yell at them for being a different color or b) spit on them for being a different color. All the while, he’s got a Jesus Saves bumper sticker riding comfortably on his rear end.

Now that I’ve defined my awareness of spirituality as a kinder, gentler version of what is actually out there and in practice, it is time that I choose my poison. I know that is probably a terrible way to get started on the path to enlightenment – by referring to it as “poison” – but throughout my life I’ve remained both confused and disappointed by those that claim to be spiritual or that claim to be doing God’s work. Seems each time a claim like this is made, there is usually hypocrisy creeping not so stealth-like around the corner.

Onward.

My current interest lies in the practice of Buddhism. When I went with my friend Emily to the Minnesota Zen Center (http://www.mnzencenter.org/), I asked the friendly member that was pulling greeting duty that day what had brought him to this place. He was very honest in his answer, stating that he had started a twelve step program about a year and a half ago. During the time that he was in this program, They (collective They meaning the twelve step people) had stipulated that as part of his treatment he had to start participating in a spiritual practice.

He told Emily and me that Christianity in any form was out of the question. Naturally I wondered why he felt that way but decided not to ask. I envisioned him staring at the crucifix and feeling the need to drink.

He then told us that he actually did try Judaism, but was turned off by the amount of rules and regulations that were somehow needed in order to become a member.

His path to spirituality ended at the MN Zen Center. He pointed out fondly and with a great deal of calming zeal that “this is a non-judgmental place”. I want to find out what that means.

I talked to a woman outside during the post meditation tea about what drove her to come to this place. She explained to me that I need not worry about my own spirituality as long as I am considering it. She explained that she was there not as a Buddhist, but as a student merely studying Buddhism. She told me that she did not know when she would be able to say that she was a Buddhist, but that her continuing contact with Buddhism in the form that she had chosen (Zen) had made all of the difference in her life.

Now, that is a testimonial.

All these years of refusing organized religion has me wondering if I am not just succumbing to the idea of something just because it isn’t Christianity. I will let you know how the answer to that question evolves.