Another Happy Ending

In late May of 2006, Tim and I had just started the driving vacation that would take us from Minneapolis out to Wyoming and back. The first day out was a long drive that landed us in Cheyenne, Wyoming at the Plains Hotel for the night. I awoke from a heavy night of sleep to work out and check my email on the computer station that was provided to the guests. It was then that I was thrilled to learn my dear friend Javier had proposed to his girlfriend Stacy atop the Eiffel Tower during their trip to Europe. She said "yes", and from there, the wedding plans rolled forward.

A couple of months later, much to my surprise, I was asked to play an integral part in the ceremony: the happy couple asked me to become ordained on the internet so that I may officiate their wedding ceremony. I distinctly remember my stomach turning at the thought of public speaking, but was so honored by the request that I enthusiastically agreed to do it.

I became ordained in November 2006 through the Progressive Universal Life Church, one of four websites that Stacy researched on her own and sent to me. I chose this organization because I got the biggest kick out of their spiel. If you visit their website, you will certainly understand what I mean. Neither Javi nor Stacy practice their spiritual beliefs within the confines of a church. We have that in common, and through several discussions it became clear that this would be a nontraditional affair; a way of acknowledging their partnership in marriage without any pre-defined religious fanfare.

I am certain that my own family has gotten a pretty huge kick out of the fact that I am now a minister. Hey, I have the certificate to prove it. However, I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to separate myself from any religious affiliation. Yes, jokes are made concerning the possibility of my bursting into flame when near a church. Hardy har har... although my skin does become a little warm when I pass by the LDS temples that are here in Teton Valley.

As time passed, I felt more fully able to conceive a true reflection of their beliefs, and I finished a set of vows that made it through only one proofread on their part with no changes. Not having to perform any edits, it was now incumbent upon me to start practicing my delivery. I am sure that Javi did not know when he asked me to do this that my role as lead in Agatha Cristie's Mousetrap during our senior year of high school caused me to throw up before every performance (how stage actors do not constantly suffer from this affliction, I will never know).

While I considered whether or not vomit on a bridal gown was a good omen in some far flung part of the world, I tried very hard not to think about the big day. Despite my internal denial, though, time continued to march on, and the month of the event finally did arrive. May of 2007 came faster than I anticipated, and it would soon be show time.

Up to the month of the wedding, I had practiced maybe eight times. I did it in my car during my lunch hour, I did it in front of Emily, in front of the mirror, and in front of Tim. I own a digital recorder, and was intent on focusing on the pacing of my cadence so that the "congregation" (is that what you call them in an event hall?) could actually understand what I was saying. You see, I have a bit of a problem with rambling. I talk too fast. In addition to that, I have been swearing like a drunk 1800's sailor since I was about 15 years old. Javi, painfully aware of this fact, warned me that my psuedo-Turrets would not be appropriate while performing the ceremony. I do believe that he emailed me the following: "...no, it probably wouldn't be good if you suddenly spewed out PISS SHIT FUCK while running through our vows." He knows me well.

I was able to slow it down enough to get the ceremony at an efficient ten minutes. And that wasn't even including the readings which were to be performed by friends and family. Unfortunately, when I performed for both Emily and Tim, I could not get through the delivery without getting choked up. I mean really choked up. Emily and Tim as well both shed tears during my practice sessions and I kept wondering how the hell I was going to overcome this obstacle.

I arrived in Atlanta not quite ready to rumble. I was intent on practicing throughout my stay, a very full four days of wedding associated meals, trips to the salon, meals, meeting at the event center and meals.

Did I mention meals?

The distraction of being around everyone there and participating in all things wedding did make me relax more and more. I met Stacy's mom and dad, in addition to her cousin and his beautiful wife. I met Javi's parents for the first time. Jose and Carmen looked at me, wondering if I had really attended high school with their son. I had, in fact, but had never really met his family. This was primarily due to the fact that anytime I was at Javi's house in high school, his parents weren't there. There were usually several of my classmates there, but parents? Not so much. I looked at Javi's dad at one point during the rehearsal dinner and stated that I remembered their dearly departed dachschund, Chico. I followed that up by saying, "If that dog could talk..." when pressed for details, I pointed across the room to my friends Mike and Leslie (also Torrejon Air Base classmates, and married for going on 20 years) and said, "well, those two were certainly at your house more than I was, you will have to ask them".

I am all about passing the buck.

After having spent time with those guests that arrived early for the event, I realized that this wasn't going to be as difficult as perhaps I thought it would be. I had a safety - I knew everyone in the front row at the ceremony. We had spent days together laughing and eating, and if that wasn't going to help me, I don't know what would. Most everyone that I met early on knew about my qualifications. Stacy's mom Erma found out by asking me, "So what made you want to become a minister?" She asked me this at a BBQ where I had already made a great first impression by drinking and dropping the f-bomb in a couple of conversations. When I told her that I got ordained just for her daughter and future son-in-law, I could feel a little relief come over her, and then a little worry.

I hoped that Erma wasn't too terribly worried. I mean, I hope she wasn't as worried as I was. I still had trepidations regarding my attachment to Javi - meaning, that I knew I would be running the risk of bawling throughout my entire delivery. In fact, the evening of the rehearsal made me kvetch even more about the possibility of runaway tears. Javi, Stacy and I all cried during the practice.

That was late on Friday afternoon. I had until Sunday to steady my nerves and emotion. My date for the wedding arrived at the hotel on Friday, and relief started to set in. This was Cat, who lives in N. Carolina and is five months pregnant. But she still drove six hours to participate in this event for me. Now that, dear reader, is friendship. She also left her two children at home with her husband for me. Not that I doubt Russ's talent in taking care of an almost 1 year old and a two year old (that's right, folks, when she gives birth to the third, all of her children will be under three... the courage astounds me), but it was the first time in almost a year that Cat had left for an overnight trip without her family. She would be without her family on Mother's Day, the day of the wedding. She stated that she couldn't think of a better gift to herself - to be out of town and have her very own time.

After a Thursday night BBQ, a night out on Friday after the late afternoon rehearsal, the official rehearsal dinner on Saturday,




a manicure, a pedicure and hair and make-up,



I had to accept the fact that the wedding was on and that vomiting was out of the question.

I had this brilliant idea that I would somehow be able to take a picture after they had kissed in order to capture the moment from my own viewpoint as the officiant. Didn't really work out. I could not do anything except to try and plan the ceremony so that it would be memorable for all of the right reasons. I went over my notes again and again. I encouraged Stacy to breeeaaathe while saying her vows. I tried to relax. I drank lemon juice that had been squeezed from lemon wedges by the bartender so that my throat would not sieze up. I hugged Javi as many times as was tastefully appropriate, had my picture taken by the wedding photogs, drank a glass of champagne and commenced the ceremony right on time.

Folks, what can I say except that I surprised even myself. I didn't cry at all (Javi did the crying for everyone in the wedding. I cannot stress this enough. Stacy only had one tissue with her at the altar, and she gave it to him as soon as she made it to his side from her long walk down the aisle.). I cracked a couple of jokes that got a warm response from the guests. I didn't flub any words. I didn't talk too fast. I didn't laugh uncontrollably at the phrase "by the power vested in me by the State of Georgia", as I had been doing for months. All went well. I was stunned. Further, I received many compliments from those that attended (someone actually said to me, "nice service", which almost made champagne come out of my nose). The guests that were then told the truth - that it was my first time and that I was an internet minister - were at first aghast and then amused. Naturally, I reveled in the gag.

Ultimately, it was my privilege and honor to be a part of something so amazing and touching. Javi and Stacy will be very happy with one another. They are well matched, and one of those lucky couples that waited to find the right person... and because of this, received the big pay-off in the form of true love. It was a very long and nerve wracking nine months for me, as I wondered if I had done the right thing by saying yes. But even my nerves and the fear of puking were overcome by the place, the people, and the occasion.

This was an adventure that I will never forget.